I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize