The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
