All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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