I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize