when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
