true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
