I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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