I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
