Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize