My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
