my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
