You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize