It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
