i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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