Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
