There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
