i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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