Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
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