How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
