Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
