What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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