Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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