I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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