you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just want to make out with him forever
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
