I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My dick has a subreddit
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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