then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
