Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize