Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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