We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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