I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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