i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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