last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize