My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
