i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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