My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
