i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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