just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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