were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
