I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
