I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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