He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
