Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
