dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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