just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
