Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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