I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
