Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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