I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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