She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
