Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
