I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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