I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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