Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
