So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
