Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Just pee around me
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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