Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i dont even know how to be here
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
