i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
