Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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