Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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