So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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