I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
