I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
