I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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