Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
