After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
