i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
